I'M 42, Tonite i was over mom's and sister's house.With my father's first year aniv. for his passing to heaven,fastly approaching i decided to take the bull by the horns and make a statement. I asked them what they wanted to do to honor the day.As i was NOT under any circumstances going to sit the day,crying and remebering when.
To my surprise they didnot want that either,This is what We decided.A first For the three of us,since They have made all the decisions to date.We are going to buy a birthday cake and have a birthday tea,in honor of my dad's journey in heaven.His new birthday,as he is now on a whole new journey and is at peace,no pain and happy.
Nobody has to attend,and we are not expecting others to understand or approve,disaprove.We decided to lay down the hatchets and get to know each other and be happy with who we are.We only have each other,so we better make it work.
I knew in that second,I FINALLY GREW UP.
I also, know deep in my soul I STILL LOVE MY HUSBAND.And have forgiven him of what has happened, as i was no saint by any means either. I want to make it work as a couple or as friends.But i cannot cut him out of my heart,Its foolish to pretend otherwise. I KNOW he still loves me, i can see it. It just has occured to me we now love each other different than when we first married. SAD,but a fact. I feel we have a bond,my youngest child.So we will always have a love of one kind or another.
I also realize,it would be a big mistake to think i could date yet. I would drag some poor stranger in to a mess.And thats not fair.I need to be able to give to another whole heart or not at all.
I also,come to the answer.YES I have had a rough life and horrible events have happened to me, But that does not give me the right to crawl up into a ball, and wait to die. I have to grab myself by the bootstraps and LIVE!! IF not for myself but for my girls.
I have been in the hospital this week. I have not said anything because i don't want to cause worry. It is just after affects from the fall i took. AT 42 its harder to heal. And my stomach has taken a bad beating. I continue to loose weight at rapid speed.16LBS In one week. i'm always vomiting and pain is bad. I cannot take pain pills.Due to my addiction from surgeries a few years back. I fear if i take them up again i have no willpower against them. Please beware. PAINKILLERS ARE A RAPID ADDICTION ACROSS AMERICA. DOCTOR'S PRESCRIBE AND PRESCRIBE,AND WE GET HOOKED. MY DOCTOR WAS GIVING ME 120 VICODIN PILLS A MONTH, MONTHS AFTER MY SURGERIES, WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING AN EYE.Now when i state the fact of my fight to get off them. I was told i was never addicted because i didn't go about the scams to get pills. I didn't have to,he would say well i will give you pain killers and valium. For no matter what was wrong,because of everything i have been thru.
I am now looking for a new doctor.
I only tell you all this .Because as a community you have been more than wonderful to me and i owe you the truth.
I could have never imagined the night crusing the net i typed into google I NEED A FRIEND. And BLOGSTREAM POPPED UP.That i would have the experiences i have had with all of you. I have met people across the world and never left my house. I wish my father would have lived to hear about all of you.
MY DAD WAS EVERYTHING TO ME. I was abused as a child ,and then married young to an abusier who, beat, raped,and choked me wih my own nightgown the night before he shot and killed himself. When i appeared at my dads house the morning after the beating with three babies in tow. A swollen lip,covered in brusies, skinny from no food for months at a time. HE JUMPED INTO HIS TRUCK AND SAID TO MY HUSBAND" IF YOU EVER TOUCH MY DAUGHTER AGAIN, YOU WON'T HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE I WILL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF",MY HUSBAND CALLED MY FATHER THAT NIGHT AND WHILE ON THE PHONE PULLED THE TRIGGER. MY DAD NEVER TOLD ME WHAT HE HEARD,HE TOOK IT TO HIS GRAVE.WE CALLED THE POLICE THAY BROKE INTO OUR HOME AND FOUND HIM DEAD ON THE BED.GUNSHOT TO THE HEART.
He is gone 14 years now. I stopped blaming myself last year.
I will miss my dad forever. But i was so lucky to have had him.
Like many other bloggers's changes are taking place. After what seemed like a very long time of being "stuck",my life is starting to take a turn.All positive and many a wondeful blessing. I have to give thanks to Our Lord, and the many friends who have prayed for my family and myself.
I will blog when i can,and i miss not being on here more often.I hope everyone is enjoying the change to spring and happiness surrounds you.
My oldest after years of arguing and pushing ,has finally taken her driver's permit, this is huge,as it will free me up to go back to work.I have been her driver for years now and have put alot on hold,because i fit my life into her scheudle.
My other girls are finishing up the school year,and Cheyenne loves her job. This was huge, her job is around the corner and gave me the courage to start walking alot again. i walk her to her job,walk the dogs and then walk to pick her up, we walk home ,even in the rain. This has led to me taking less sleep meds and falling asleep more naturally.
God has also provided me finacally a big break, i will be able to replace the old washer and dryer, and be secure for awhile. I talked to my husband about what we wanted to do to give back, my rule is everytime i or we have a little money to give back. Two years or so ago he landed a huge job building a house,so we donated alot to the local animal shelter. So, i have to decide now how to pay it forward. I'm looking for a church,but in the mean time i've decided to return to my church,until i find one i really like. I have a 100 promise made. I need to fullfill,Between me and Our Lord.
Through the ice storms and weather mess, my husband suceeded in passing his CDL TEST,This is huge as he can move up the ladder in his career. We have takin a huge turn in our relationship and i'm very comfortable right now where we are.
I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORT, PRAYERS, KIND WORDS ,LOVE ,ADVICE AND BEING MY FAMILY. I HAVE HAD ALOT TO DEAL WITH THIS YEAR AND YOU HAVE ALL BEEN HERE FOR ME EVERYTIME. ALWAYS MAKING ME LAUGH,LETTING ME VENT,HOLDING MY HAND, SENDING ME EVERYKIND OF LOVE A PERSON COULD HOPE FOR. I HAVE A VERY HARD LIFE FOR MY AGE,AND NOT ALOT OF FAMILY TO HELP. YOU HAVE BECOME THEM. I KNOW HAVE MOM'S,SISTER'S, BROTHER'S, FATHER FIGURES, GOOF BALL FRIENDS THAT MAKE ME FEEL 16 AGAIN . I AM SO HUMBLED BY YOUR OPEN ARMS. IN THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS I HAVE MADE ALOT OF EVEN MORE FRIENDS THANKS TO THE SATURDAY NITE MUSIC. I' LOVE YOU ALL.
PRAY WITH HOPE-MY MOM IN SPIRIT,HELPING ME TO WALK WITH JESUS AND FIND MY WAY.
LOOKIN'- AFRIEND A SPIRITUAL ADVISER AND YES A MOMMA
AZRON- A FATHER FIGURE, LETTING ME BE ME, BUT ALSO GIVING ME WORDS OF WISDOM
WHIT, -WHE WISDOM KING!! A SPECIAL HUG FOR YOUR INSIGHT TO FORGIVENESS
HEATHER SCOTT- MY FRIEND OF PURE LOVE , LAUGHTER AND MAKING ME SMILE.
PRETTY RUBBLE- WISDOM GURU, FRIEND L CONFIDONT AND SISTER
SAMMY JO- BEST OF FRIEND ANY WOMAN COULD ASK FOR
BLU- MY LOVING FRIEND ALWAYS WILLING TO BE THERE AND GOOD TALKS,LAUGHTER AND LOVE
B.C.- MY BIG BROTHER, ALWAYS LOVING AND SO KIND A TRUE GENTLEMAN
BELLA- ALWAYS MAKING ME LAUGH, GREAT FRIEND A WONDERFUL SOUL
SECRET- SO KIND A GENEROUS, EVEN WITH ALL THAT IS ON HER PLATE A VWRY CLASSY FRIEND
NURSEY- FUNNY AND WELCOMING AND SO KIND
VEGAS- A SWEETHEART AND FRIEND ALWAYS MAKING ME LAUGH
SHERRY- LOVING AND FRIENDLY AND SO NICE ,KIND AND FUN
MISS LOU,- A SWEET SPIRIT , SO GLAD I HAVE MET YOU
RANDY, WELL,THERE IS A BOOK THERE I KOW IT, SO FUNNY AND KIND YET ,WHEN I NEED A SERIOUS EAR HE IS THERE,AND GETS MY AEROSMITH ADDICTION.
LUCY- A KINDRED SPIRIT, WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN WE WOULD HAVE EVER KNOWN!!
CM- A FRIEND WITH LOTS OF ADVICE, ANOTHER SISTER WITH ALOT ON HER PLATE BUT MAKES TIME FOR EVERYONE.
CRACKER- A FRIEND WHO MADE ME FEEL SO WELCOMED THE FIRST TIME I VISITED HER SITE.
BUPU- ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR ME, WHAT A GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE MADE.
BIGGIE T- VISITED MY BLOG, I WAS LIKE OMG ITS A CELEBERTY ON MY BLOG,AND YET HE WAS SO KIND
HOOK- VERY COOL AND TRULY KIND
RUBY- ALSO A WONDERFUL LADY AND LOTS OF LOVE AND FUN
POH- A SWEET HEART SO KIND AND GIVING
SIXX- MUSIC MOMMA AND FRIEND ,LOTS OF LOVE
COLO, WARM AND KIND AND A TRUE POET
TAYLOR- MY HUGGING FRIEND SO KIND, AND WARM AND LOVING
OH, I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T FORGET ANYONE IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL, AND I LOVE YOU ALL.
I was a little upset to miss out on the blog night fun, and i did miss ya guys.My life right this minute is very upside down,but yet i'm not freakin out. This surprises me,usually i would be very anxiuos and braty at this point.But i'm fine.
So to end the wild weekend,here is the update: Roads are still very icy ans snow covered, it is very cold out and it is starting to make my wounds from my fall ache. My husband is upstairs sleeping, first time since thursday nite. Kinda feel for him, it was a little unsettling having the emergancy call going off every few minutes and hearing the anxiuos voices of the folks that have either broken down,slid off the road,or worse. There was a older man driving a small plow at a nursing home,it was dark and he drove right over a cliff! My husband went on the call,he works with the Pa Police,local police .Ambulance drivers etc. They all work in union together on a call, my husband has the same authority as the police on a emergancy call. He can issue a ticket if someone does not pull over when he is on his way to an accident and he has certain lights blaring on the rigg. To this day,he has not issued a single ticket. Said he just lets it up to the police. Any way the man over the cliff, was a bad scene and when my husband finally came back to the house,somewhere around 4am, he looked shook and haggered. I just put on tea, got dry socks out of his bag and made him a sandwich. We didnt talk. I mean what can you say.
The dog is much better and so is the cat, then i see on t.v. WAL-MART is having a re-call on petfood in our area, it has killed three cats!!! Damn, i had to check every can and try to find the receipts for all the pet food,get the forms and hope for the best.
Amanda is back here full time, the father finally signed off any rights,( praise God) maybe she can relax and get into a scheudle and have a life. We have only been waiting 8 years.
I didn't get to see my husband like i thought, so it was not awful. If anything we worked together to help all the folks that needed him. That felt good and i forgot what that was like. I try to sleep when i can, so my inner clock is very messed up. He will be here tonight and possibly the week if the ice keeps up. SO i had to re-assign rooms.When he left everyone took over a room, so Amanda and Cheyenne are doubling up, i though they would be upset,but they are fine.
Cheyenne took off the hat last night. I will try to return comments and catch up on blogs this week. Just very tired,busy and cold. I was supposed to go on a date tonite, a double thing with my friend her husband and a buddy of his from work.But with the roads they cant' make it up the hills in the town below me. And i think i would have felt weird with my husband staying here. I had told him and he looked ok. But i'll wait. If it was meant to be, none of this would have happened.
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My husband went on the call,he works with the Pa Police,local police .Ambulance drivers etc. They all work in union together on a call, my husband has the same authority as the police on a emergancy call. He can issue a ticket if someone does not pull over when he is on his way to an accident and he has certain lights blaring on the rigg. To this day,he has not issued a single ticket. Said he just lets it up to the police. Any way the man over the cliff, was a bad scene and when my husband finally came back to the house,somewhere around 4am, he looked shook and haggered. I just put on tea, got dry socks out of his bag and made him a sandwich. We didnt talk. I mean what can you say.
I will try to return comments and catch up on blogs this week. Just very tired,busy and cold. I was supposed to go on a date tonite, a double thing with my friend her husband and a buddy of his from work.But with the roads they cant' make it up the hills in the town below me. And i think i would have felt weird with my husband staying here. I had told him and he looked ok. But i'll wait. If it was meant to be, none of this would have happened.
